Rhys the Hedgehog: Dawn of Eclipse Preview

Rhys: *Looks at the sunset* I got the feeling that something terrible is about to happen.


Moriah: You sure?


Rhys: I'm probably just imagining things.


*Dark clouds fill the sky and mysterious creatures come from everywhere*


Rhys: Huh? *Looks at them*


Moriah: What are they?


Rhys: *Gets in front of Moriah* I don't know, but they look like they're not friendly.


*They jump at Rhys and Moriah*


Moriah: *Hugs Rhys*


Rhys: *Looks at Moriah and then back at the mysterious creatures*


*A light appears under Rhys and Moriah*


*They fall down the portal*


Rhys and Moriah: AH!


Rhys: *Looks around* Where am I? *Sees Smash* Smash, what are you doing here?


Smash: You're not the only one here Rhys.


Rhys: How do we get out of here?


Smash: That's something that will take time.


Hako and Hem: *Walk in a valley*


Hako: This doesn't feel right.


Hem: What?


*Heartless appear*


Hako: *Takes out his blaze sword* More of these things.


Hem: *Charges a laser* They don't got a chance.


Rhys and Smash: *Runs to a temple*


Rhys: This is it. The weapon that Toadsworth mentioned earlier must be in there.


Smash: *Crosses arms* I guess we'll have to break all of the walls down if we're gonna find this thing.


Rhys: It will probably be guarded.


Tres: *Looks around* I have no idea where I am and I'm all alone. I should go look for help.

*A heartless attacks Tres*

Tres: NO! *Transforms into Heartless Tres* *Laughs* Now the fun begins.


Smash: *Looks at Rhys* You up for it?


Rhys: *Nods*


Rhys and Smash: *Run into the temple*


Moriah: *Does barrel roll in Arwing making Rhys fall off* I can handle this.


Rhys: *Falls on Falco's Arwing* Okay Moriah, good luck.


Moriah: *Nods*


Falco: I'm sure she'll be fine Rhys.


*A Charmelon challenges Flare*


Flare: *Grins and laughs* Something such as yourself is a waste.


Charmelon: Char!


Flare: Come on then.


Charmelon: *Runs at Flare*


Flare: *Punches the Charmelon and makes fly into a boulder* Disappointing!


Rhys: *Looks at the large hole in the ground* Flare must be down there.


Moriah: *Looks at Rhys* I'm here to help if you need me.


Rhys: *Looks at Moriah* Thanks Moriah. We gotta stop Flare from absorbing the power of the Heartless.


Moriah: *Nods*


Rhys and Moriah: *Jump on their extreme gear and go down the hole*


Rhys: *Walks and looks around* I know you're here Flare!


Flare: *Appears behind Rhys* Typical of you to show up.


Rhys: *Takes out Eclipse* I've heard enough out of you!


Flare: *Takes out Poison* My keyblade is better than yours.


Rhys: It depends on how you learn and use its abilities! *Runs at Flare and hits him with Eclipse*


Flare: *Blocks it with Poison* You don't learn!


Rhys and Flare: *Hit each others keyblades repeatedly and then jump backwards*


Flare: Is that all?


Rhys: I'm not finished just yet.


Flare: You don't have a chance against me.


Rhys: *Looks down* I'll stop you *Looks back up* and save these worlds from the Heartless!


Flare: You can't save everyone Rhys!


Rhys: I will try.


Flare: *Laughs* Trying............................is just an attempt! *Teleports in front of Rhys, kicks him up into the air, teleports above him, and hits him into the ground with Poison*


Moriah: Rhys!


Flare: You all shall kneel before me!............................................. *Laughs*


Rhys the Hedgehog: Dawn of Eclipse - Coming soon

its good so farz

why did you have to make a new topic

It is a preview for it 84.

so it could be done in the original topic

I'm hoping this is just going to be a randomly selected scene and isn't actually how it begins.

It is Speedy.

You mean it is a randomly selected scene?

I like it! =) Just make sure you don't to make Moriah too wimpy or anything XD

The creatures coming is a bit too...sudden. It needs to have more flow. Also, if this is actually how it begins, There are MUCH bigger problems to worry about.

Seems rather Cliche to me.

Alright, I just read the whole thing. Even if this isn't how it begins, it still needs some serious polishing. I mean, everything is happening at once. Toadsworth is asking for their help like he knows them. And then suddenly Rhys and Smash are running alongside. You have really got to show more of what's happening around instead of jumping every which way to the bigger parts of story. If this was fanfiction at KRR,(Kirby's Rainbow Resort) It would get flamed for sure.

thats nice but like speedy said youre jumping right into everything ive already written a story so yea.

RazortheHedgehog wrote:

thats nice but like speedy said youre jumping right into everything ive already written a story so yea.

I could barely understand that. I've asked you more than once to improve your Grammar.
Anyway, like Speedy said, it could use some work.

When I initially read this, it made no sense.
After searching I eventually managed to find your thread on this so I could try to get more sense of this. I can't find much except a month-old topic about ideas which doesn't tell me much, and another about themes which is irrelevant... so I have a rather uninformed opinion on this right now.
Also I will ignore my general hatred of crossovers so I'm not biased against this and give a proper opinion.

Listen to me on this:
Assuming that this is your fanfic or... something. Unless it's just the basic script for something like those series things on YouTube.
Please.
Do not write in script format.
Fanfictions, or any proper written work which is not just an actual script for an example, should not be written in script format. There is barely any chance for detail and by that your readers can't get a proper image of what's going on unless they already know who everyone is - say this was a book and a guy in a book shop picks your book/fanfic up and randomly opens it up to the middle. Say at this part:
"Rhys: *Looks around* Where am I?

Toadsworth: Why my boy, you're at the Mushroom Kingdom!

Rhys: The what?"
Okay, so this 'Toadsworth' guy has appeared out of nowhere and Rhys is 'looking around'. What does he see other than some random person going on about a Kingdom of a food object? If some guy read that in the book, he would probably go "wtf is this" and put it back on the shelf in 5 seconds, if I am honest. And I have no intention of being dishonest.

I agree with Speedy completely and if I put myself in the position of being someone who doesn't know who any of these characters are (I don't actually know who Toadsworth is or what any of the characters act/look like, actually), it makes barely any sense to me. If you posted this preview at a fanfic website, I highly doubt that anyone is going to be bothered to find the profiles of these characters to begin to make sense of this.

...and if this is a group of separate mini previews, space them out better, because then I first read this, these were my thoughts:
"Rhys: *Looks at the destruction of a town* ........................This is happening here too.
((What town? Where? I thought you were in a Kingdom. WHAT is happening?))
Smash: *Runs along side Rhys* We don't have time.
((Wait where did he come from?))
Hako: Leave these guys to me!
((WHERE DID HE COME FROM?))
*Rhys and Flare stare at each other*
((WHO IS FLARE
WHERE DID SMASH AND HAKO GO
AND WTF ABOUT THAT TOWN))"

As far as I can see it is all the same part. I sincerely hope that it isn't because from where I stand it makes absolutely no sense. I realize that it is a preview and in the hope that this is not the beginning there is some character detail and explanation.

I apologise if I seem harsh, but I have read far too many bad fanfics in my time. It takes a lot to get a fanfic to impress me (I've only found about 5 in the past two or three years), mostly because I read and enjoy good books.
Put it this way:
If I did not know you and I did not want to help you, if I found this on a website and read it, I honestly would not be coming back to read the full thing at this rate.

I don't have anything to say that wasn't already said.

This had seriously BETTER not be how it begins.

Okay guys, I get it. I'll edit it later.

So, is it?

I'm working on it now.

That does NOT answer my question. Was it the beginning or not already?

Some parts are from the beginning and other parts at near the end Speedy. Oh, and Flare is my character's rival.

Huski wrote:

...and if this is a group of separate mini previews, space them out better, because then I first read this, these were my thoughts:
"Rhys: *Looks at the destruction of a town* ........................This is happening here too.
((What town? Where? I thought you were in a Kingdom. WHAT is happening?))
Smash: *Runs along side Rhys* We don't have time.
((Wait where did he come from?))
Hako: Leave these guys to me!
((WHERE DID HE COME FROM?))
*Rhys and Flare stare at each other*
((WHO IS FLARE
WHERE DID SMASH AND HAKO GO
AND WTF ABOUT THAT TOWN))"

As far as I can see it is all the same part.

Maybe if you just removed and added a few more spaces in the first post, the 'separate' parts would be clearer.

Edited it Huski.

This still doesn't make any sense to me. As Huski suggested, add spaces at the different parts and I should be able to understand.